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Bathtub Musings #2

Phil — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:56:55 +0000

Never watched or listened to anything with Barbara Streisand involved before. Just no real desire – Much like Hugh Grant movies. I mean… I had heard “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” before. But that’s really all about Neil and his awesomeness. So tonight, while in the tub, NPR Jazz played a standard sung by The Streisand.

Here are my bathtub musings on the event:

My initial thoughts were that she had really good pitch for a singer. But something about her voice sounded pretentious and nasally. Which immediately made me think that it must take a staggering amount of mucus for her to sound nasally.

Why “They” Hate Us

Phil — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 23:13:22 +0000

A lot has been made of the people all over the world who hate America and / or Americans. They hate “… our freedoms.” They hate that “… we’re all arrogant, ignorant assholes.” They hate that “… we have Trader Joes and they don’t …” But the reason for the hatred, at least to me, is as clear as day:

TRAVEL SHOWS

It’s so simple, people. Have you seen any of the travel shows on television? On PBS? On the Travel Channel? Discovery Channel? Have you seen the fucking people we send all over the world as “ambassadors” to expose other cultures to us?

Rick Steves? The guy’s website title is “Europe Through the Back Door” – what does that immediately make you think of?

Andrew Zimmern? A short, fat, bald, feminine, annoying, dork who goes around the world asking everyone in each location where he can get the best beating frog hearts, freshest goat anus, or, better yet, fermented beetle dung.

Anthony Boudain? Oh good – An arrogant, pretentious East Coast prick with a last name that sounds French. Magic combination there. I’m sure the poor guy in Vietnam who lost his leg after walking across a landmine left on his farm from the war wants to hear Tony throw around big words while eating what little food the guy has left and asking him if he resents him because he’s American. Then he turns to the camera and talks about how good the fucking soup is.

Then you have the lesser tier of hosts like Dr. Mike who travels around the world trying to get animals to bite him, Samantha Brown who has all the annoying qualities of a jolly, senile senior citizen but couldn’t be more than 45, or that Man vs. Wild guy who gets dropped in the middle of fucking nowhere and is 5 cans short of a 6-pack and eats maggots and drinks piss. Or how about the legions of idiots across several different channels now who travel around chasing “ghosts” or “extreme weather”?

People all over the world either meet up with these assholes when they travel to their part of the world or they see them on T.V. and they think we’re all a bunch of short, fat, bald, annoying, arrogant, gay, senile, lunatics who want to eat and drink only the most disgusting shit their countries have to offer and hope to hell that a big fucking paranormal tornado hits while we’re there. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why people in other countries hate Americans.

Et tu, N.P.R.?

Phil — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:56:05 +0000

This time of year… when I go into Ross (which happens more than you’d know), I expect to hear awful Christmas music. But when I flip on N.P.R. I expect to hear some good jazz… Or what would’ve been an interesting news-story were it not for the monotone, horribly boring, nasal-y clod delivering the story in such a pretentious manner.

But one thing I don’t flip on N.P.R. for is Christmas music. I could’ve gone my entire life without hearing The Yellowjackets’ version of Mr. F-ing Drummer boy.