I firmly believe that Bob Ross, the TV host of "The Joy of Painting", is some kind of alien super-being. Unlike so many of my pointless observations, I have some undeniable facts to base this belief on. They are listed, in no particular order, below:
Bob Ross' Hair
Possibly Bob's most recognizable feature, aside from his freakish ability to create masterworks of oil paint in seconds, is his hair. Bob Ross has, what the Mayans would call, a "gargantuan fro". Long after this look was acceptable to the masses (which was circa 1978 according to my almanac), Bob sported his hefty hair helmet much to the delight of the 85-year old women and barely employable nerds scarfing down microwave bean burritos in between trying to figure out Actionscript and CSS issues who watch PBS regularly. One thing to carefully note, however, is that during his brainwashing PBS run from 1983-1995, unlike most animal hair, Bob's hair did not move, grow, fade, change color, or get cut. This is because Bob's hair was not hair at all. It was a synthetic material, manufactured by the same people who manufacture Astroturf and WishBone salad dressing, made to look like an ungodly hair growth to to cover Bob's super brain (more on this in a moment). This is the only way to possibly explain his immaculately monstrous hair growth. No other possible explanations, however logical, will suffice.
Super-Brain Abilities
Anyone who has watched "The Joy Of Painting" knows that Bob has a super-human ability to paint VanGogh caliber paintings, in oil paint no less, in a matter of minutes. This is simply not possible for an average human. Anyone who has tried to paint in oil paints, to begin with, knows that it is like trying to operate a Nintendo WII with your testicles. It is extremely difficult and the smell is intolerable (more on this in a moment). His ability to perform this skilled feat in such a rapid manner is alone proof of his super-human abilities. Had he been alive in the era of Monet or VanGogh or Jerry Dumphy, (and he very well might've depending on how long you believe our super-being brethren live) I firmly believe that Bob's awe-inspiring brush skills would've forced them all to give up their painting careers in exchange for some much less significant menial and fruitless task - like web development.
Bob's ability to communicate with smaller wildlife (specifically with small rodents such as squirrels - which are, by the way, nature's bullseyes) is well documented. It is thought by some in the Bob Ross research community, such as noted expert Dr. Melvin DeHulga, that Bob sought to change the real world to match his idyllic world filled with "happy little accidents" by enlisting the help of his "rodent minions". When the time was right, they would rise up and paint the world full of happy little trees, clouds, and small cabins randomly placed alongside streams. Not being able to hide their son's freakish brain, Bob's parents raised him, from birth, to cultivate his ability to communicate with wildlife. On one occasion, Bob let slip a tidbit about his dubious past when he revealed the following telling bit of information:
"When I was a kid I had a pet aligator. I don't know if you ever made a pet out of an aligator, but I had one that lived with me, let's put it that way. I fed him everyday, and everyday he bit me. One thing about aligators, I don't know if you could ever make a pet out of 'em. I finally turned him loose and he still wanted to bite me."
Oil Paint Fumes
You will notice that no one has ever reported to see Bob Ross while not in the presence of his oil paints and / or paint thinner. It has been speculated that his first wife, Lydia, actually left Bob because she couldn't stand the potent aromas that seemed to, mysteriously, follow him around wherever he went - not to mention the smell of oil paints and thinner. She also didn't appreciate it when he would wack her in the rear with his square brush and just claim to be "drying the brush". One of the prevailing theories about Bob and his heavy reliance on oil-based paints and thinner is that his super-lungs thrived on the powerful and, sometimes toxic, fumes. He reportedly fainted on the set of "The Joy Of Painting" several times when his thinner was not strong enough to sustain him and was revived, in the brink of time, by several Twix candy bars thrust forcefully into his mouth.
Conclusion
While I, for one, do not fear Bob Ross and his rodent minions, I do question whether my PBS dollars - and by "my PBS dollars" I really mean other peoples' PBS dollars - should be used to to further the potentially dangerous beliefs of an alien life. It also really pisses me off that when I try to paint stuff like Bob, my paintings look like an amoeba or one of the Golden Girls.
Bob Ross' Hair
Possibly Bob's most recognizable feature, aside from his freakish ability to create masterworks of oil paint in seconds, is his hair. Bob Ross has, what the Mayans would call, a "gargantuan fro". Long after this look was acceptable to the masses (which was circa 1978 according to my almanac), Bob sported his hefty hair helmet much to the delight of the 85-year old women and barely employable nerds scarfing down microwave bean burritos in between trying to figure out Actionscript and CSS issues who watch PBS regularly. One thing to carefully note, however, is that during his brainwashing PBS run from 1983-1995, unlike most animal hair, Bob's hair did not move, grow, fade, change color, or get cut. This is because Bob's hair was not hair at all. It was a synthetic material, manufactured by the same people who manufacture Astroturf and WishBone salad dressing, made to look like an ungodly hair growth to to cover Bob's super brain (more on this in a moment). This is the only way to possibly explain his immaculately monstrous hair growth. No other possible explanations, however logical, will suffice.
Super-Brain Abilities
Anyone who has watched "The Joy Of Painting" knows that Bob has a super-human ability to paint VanGogh caliber paintings, in oil paint no less, in a matter of minutes. This is simply not possible for an average human. Anyone who has tried to paint in oil paints, to begin with, knows that it is like trying to operate a Nintendo WII with your testicles. It is extremely difficult and the smell is intolerable (more on this in a moment). His ability to perform this skilled feat in such a rapid manner is alone proof of his super-human abilities. Had he been alive in the era of Monet or VanGogh or Jerry Dumphy, (and he very well might've depending on how long you believe our super-being brethren live) I firmly believe that Bob's awe-inspiring brush skills would've forced them all to give up their painting careers in exchange for some much less significant menial and fruitless task - like web development.
Bob's ability to communicate with smaller wildlife (specifically with small rodents such as squirrels - which are, by the way, nature's bullseyes) is well documented. It is thought by some in the Bob Ross research community, such as noted expert Dr. Melvin DeHulga, that Bob sought to change the real world to match his idyllic world filled with "happy little accidents" by enlisting the help of his "rodent minions". When the time was right, they would rise up and paint the world full of happy little trees, clouds, and small cabins randomly placed alongside streams. Not being able to hide their son's freakish brain, Bob's parents raised him, from birth, to cultivate his ability to communicate with wildlife. On one occasion, Bob let slip a tidbit about his dubious past when he revealed the following telling bit of information:
"When I was a kid I had a pet aligator. I don't know if you ever made a pet out of an aligator, but I had one that lived with me, let's put it that way. I fed him everyday, and everyday he bit me. One thing about aligators, I don't know if you could ever make a pet out of 'em. I finally turned him loose and he still wanted to bite me."
Oil Paint Fumes
You will notice that no one has ever reported to see Bob Ross while not in the presence of his oil paints and / or paint thinner. It has been speculated that his first wife, Lydia, actually left Bob because she couldn't stand the potent aromas that seemed to, mysteriously, follow him around wherever he went - not to mention the smell of oil paints and thinner. She also didn't appreciate it when he would wack her in the rear with his square brush and just claim to be "drying the brush". One of the prevailing theories about Bob and his heavy reliance on oil-based paints and thinner is that his super-lungs thrived on the powerful and, sometimes toxic, fumes. He reportedly fainted on the set of "The Joy Of Painting" several times when his thinner was not strong enough to sustain him and was revived, in the brink of time, by several Twix candy bars thrust forcefully into his mouth.
Conclusion
While I, for one, do not fear Bob Ross and his rodent minions, I do question whether my PBS dollars - and by "my PBS dollars" I really mean other peoples' PBS dollars - should be used to to further the potentially dangerous beliefs of an alien life. It also really pisses me off that when I try to paint stuff like Bob, my paintings look like an amoeba or one of the Golden Girls.
