The problem isn’t always mucus.
Target Demographics
January 30th, 2010 by Phil No comments »Noticed something this evening… All jewelry ads.. You know the ones.. “How else to make 10 months salary last forever…” … “Oh!! He went to Jared!” … etc. Observation: Those ads have the direct opposite impact on men than they do women. Absolutely polarizing.
A man thinks: “Holy crap! I’m never getting married – no rock is worth that much dough. What kind of superficial wench… grrr…”
A woman thinks: “Awwww… I want to get married and have a big diamond ring given to me by a metrosexual…”
Bathtub Musings #2
January 27th, 2010 by Phil No comments »Never watched or listened to anything with Barbara Streisand involved before. Just no real desire – Much like Hugh Grant movies. I mean… I had heard “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” before. But that’s really all about Neil and his awesomeness. So tonight, while in the tub, NPR Jazz played a standard sung by The Streisand.
Here are my bathtub musings on the event:
My initial thoughts were that she had really good pitch for a singer. But something about her voice sounded pretentious and nasally. Which immediately made me think that it must take a staggering amount of mucus for her to sound nasally.
Bathtub Musings #1
January 18th, 2010 by Phil No comments »If Yoda was 900 years old in Return of the Jedi, how old would that make him in The Phantom Menace?
Mary Poppins: Bastard
January 17th, 2010 by Phil No comments »In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun…
I beg to differ, Ms. Poppins. There’s plenty of jobs that aren’t fun at all. You’re a real ass for lying to kids like that. And then you go and feed them spoonfuls of sugar and wreck their teeth. Bastard.
Twart
January 14th, 2010 by Phil No comments »twart [twahrt] Vulgar Slang
–noun
1. an often audible discharge of intestinal gas (flatus) expelled through Twitter.com
2. an annoying or foolish Twitter.com user.
–verb (used without object)
3. to expel a flatus through Twitter.com; break virtual wind.
–verb phrase:
twart around
4. to spend time foolishly or aimlessly on Twitter.com
And our secret celebrity judges today on “Throwdown…” are…
January 13th, 2010 by Phil No comments »… a woman with a tremendous ass and a short man in a mustache…
A Quick Commentary on the film: “Teen Wolf”
January 7th, 2010 by Phil No comments »For those of you unfamiliar with the 80’s film “Teen Wolf“, I point to the ever-useful Wikipedia:
Teen Wolf is an American film released on August 23, 1985 by Atlantic Releasing Corporation starring Michael J. Fox as Scott Howard, a high school student who discovers that his family has an unusual pedigree when he finds himself transforming into a werewolf.
Michael J. Fox “… is back from the future in a NEW COMEDY …” where he’s a seventeen year old high school kid on his basketball team “… sick of being average and wishing he were special …” So he turns into a werewolf…
What makes this tragic tale of high school romance and body hair so unbelievable is not, as you might suspect, that a high school student transforms into a mythical creature at inopportune times. No. What makes this tale so unbelievable is that any basketball team in history – from professional to the lowliest high school team – would ever in a million years choose a four foot tall Canadian to play on their team.
Why “They” Hate Us
January 5th, 2010 by Phil No comments »A lot has been made of the people all over the world who hate America and / or Americans. They hate “… our freedoms.” They hate that “… we’re all arrogant, ignorant assholes.” They hate that “… we have Trader Joes and they don’t …” But the reason for the hatred, at least to me, is as clear as day:
TRAVEL SHOWS
It’s so simple, people. Have you seen any of the travel shows on television? On PBS? On the Travel Channel? Discovery Channel? Have you seen the fucking people we send all over the world as “ambassadors” to expose other cultures to us?
Rick Steves? The guy’s website title is “Europe Through the Back Door” – what does that immediately make you think of?
Andrew Zimmern? A short, fat, bald, feminine, annoying, dork who goes around the world asking everyone in each location where he can get the best beating frog hearts, freshest goat anus, or, better yet, fermented beetle dung.
Anthony Boudain? Oh good – An arrogant, pretentious East Coast prick with a last name that sounds French. Magic combination there. I’m sure the poor guy in Vietnam who lost his leg after walking across a landmine left on his farm from the war wants to hear Tony throw around big words while eating what little food the guy has left and asking him if he resents him because he’s American. Then he turns to the camera and talks about how good the fucking soup is.
Then you have the lesser tier of hosts like Dr. Mike who travels around the world trying to get animals to bite him, Samantha Brown who has all the annoying qualities of a jolly, senile senior citizen but couldn’t be more than 45, or that Man vs. Wild guy who gets dropped in the middle of fucking nowhere and is 5 cans short of a 6-pack and eats maggots and drinks piss. Or how about the legions of idiots across several different channels now who travel around chasing “ghosts” or “extreme weather”?
People all over the world either meet up with these assholes when they travel to their part of the world or they see them on T.V. and they think we’re all a bunch of short, fat, bald, annoying, arrogant, gay, senile, lunatics who want to eat and drink only the most disgusting shit their countries have to offer and hope to hell that a big fucking paranormal tornado hits while we’re there. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why people in other countries hate Americans.
How lazy are we, anyways?
December 25th, 2009 by Phil No comments »Admit it. All of you have been there.. Sooo lazy to change the toilet paper that you leave that 2.35 squares left on the roll or just leave the roll empty… Or too laaaazy to change the channel because of the distance of you to the remote even though a Martin Lawrence movie is coming on… Or you’re sooooooo lazy that instead of just finishing off the milk, you leave a torilla’s height worth of milk at the bottom of the carton. Or you’re in there in the bathtub all lazy and relaxed and you decide that you just don’t want to get up to pee…
Right? We’ve all been there, right? Yeah..